


Steven's Lament

by CyanideCherub



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, based on a piece of art, connverse - Freeform, pink steven, plant connie!, post prickly pair, steven is troubled, steven thinks about all the things he's going through
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:14:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22054651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyanideCherub/pseuds/CyanideCherub
Summary: He can't sleep. He doesn't want to eat. All he can do is stare up at the ceiling and think. He's falling apart at the seams and no one understands. He's not her. He can't be her.Post prickly pair fic based on an illustration done by Taikova over on tumblr.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe
Comments: 17
Kudos: 177





	Steven's Lament

> _Just a little fic inspired by[@taikova](https://tmblr.co/mUy8dN2D65JxPIL0OjPseqg) ‘s illustration of Steven lying in bed. He looked so sad, and given how tense and emotionally deep the new episodes were I wanted to delve into it a little bit. _
> 
> _Please enjoy! C:_

* * *

_12:46_

Maybe a cup of green tea would help?

_1:32_

Alright. Two cups.

_3:12_

Three cups, stargazing, phone scrolling and staring up at the ceiling and – nothing. He knew he was exhausted, he knew he should sleep. But what was the point? It’s not like he had any responsibilities anymore, or any friends thanks to his latest gem-related screw-up.

The back-light of his phone seeped through his covers, bouncing off his gem and reflected a soft pink light into his room. Pink. It was his entire problem. The tarpaulin that covered the front of his broken house rustled in the sea breeze; mixing with the sounds of Lion’s snoring, it was driving Steven crazy. Though a lot of things did these days. He tapped his fingers against his chest and groaned, he should just get up. Lying in bed was pointless. Maybe he could go sleep with Lion for old times sake, or he could throw his head in Lion’s mane and just be done with it?

**Yikes**. That was a dark thought.

Steven threw back the covers with a heavy arm, swung his legs around, and sat upright facing his sliding door. The gems hadn’t spoken to him in days, well, more specifically, he’d avoided them. He’d let them orchestrate the rebuilding work with Bismuth and her team and kept out of the way. He couldn’t stand to look them in the eyes, all those awful things he’d said and Cactus Steven had told them everything – each dark and personal thought and worst of all at the time, he’d meant it.

He rubbed at his tired eyes and played with the phone in his hands, rubbing his thumbs over the screen. Steven yearned to talk to someone and no one. Pearl had sent his Dad over the day before as he’d sat in the greenhouse atop the warp pad, sulking. But he couldn’t tell him how he felt, how could his Dad possibly understand? In the end, he brushed his Dad off with a half-assed smile. _I’m fine, it’s just Gem stuff._

Greg Universe sighed, looked at his son, more worried for him than he’d even been (even when he had been kidnapped by home-world gems and oh boy did some hair fall out then) and said,

“Stuball. Gem stuff or not, just know we all love you, and when you’re ready to talk, we’re ready to listen.”

Why did his Dad sound like him? When did everyone else start to take his job? He helped, Steven Universe, helper of the galaxy. Capable of solving anyone’s problems. Except for his own.

“Fuckkkkk.” It slipped from his lips, reactionary. Lined with utter frustration and barely an utterance but he surprised even himself. He remembered that time Pearl went mental at Amethyst for using it in the temple around him. Amethyst simply shrugged, winked at Steven and told him to save for it a special occasion. Was the end of himself as he knew it a justifiable special occasion?

A tempestuous snore from Lion pulled him from his thoughts, yup, he needed to leave his room. Taking his phone with him, Steven dragged himself to the greenhouse. Bismuth hadn’t started work in there yet, and a massive hole graced the peak of the dome. He’d cleared up the shattered glass, and floated up to cover the top in plastic, just in case it rained, apart from that the room remained the same. He’d even left the cardboard box he’d kept Cactus Steven prisoner in exactly where he’d thrown it, a monument to his own failure. Pale moonlight danced across the petals and leaves of each flower in the room. The warp pad hummed in the center giving off its own soft glow, waiting on standby for Steven to use it.

“Hey everyone,” he laughed with insincerity to his home-grown friends. Of course, they didn’t respond, they were just plants. The real versions of his friends were out doing amazing things; Steven had done his amazing, now he was stuck, stagnant in Beach City. “Hey, Connie, how are you doing, smarty?” Steven walked over to the delicate blue flower, it’s violet petals almost seemed to shine brighter in this light. His fingers caressed the underside of the velvet-soft flower and it made him miss the real Connie even more.

“I’ve messed-up, Con,” he told her as he sat crossed-legged on the floor underneath the flower pot. “I’ve done and said some terrible things recently and every time I do all I can think about is her…”

The plant sat silently, almost as if it were listening.

“I’m so angry – all of the time. I’m doing things and finding out things about my gem self that I never knew I could do and I don’t know if I want to… because the more I do, the more I become like – ” Steven paused. Throat closing, eyes threatening to tear. He was scared. Not that he’d turn into his Mom; Rose Quartz had spent thousands of years repenting and paying for her actions, but Pink? She’d done so much damage, ruined so many lives including that of a son she’d never know she’d have. “I don’t want to be Pink Diamond, Connie. She was selfish, destructive and so out of control! I don’t want anyone to look at me and see her anymore!”

Pink Diamond took his childhood. Pink Diamond took his identity. Pink took everything.

Purple petals turned pink and with a gasp, Steven realised he was losing it. He could see his reflection on the glossy floor and it terrified him. Pink. Eyes. Hair. Skin. Everything was glowing pink. The colour made him sick.

“See?” He sobbed. “There I go again. Turning into her. The one thing they all hate above everything else.”

Large tears stung as they fell down his face, his body shook as he pulled it as close as he could. “And you know what, Connie,” he laughed to himself almost manically. “I hate her too.”

Steven howled, months of pent-up anger and rage, flowing freely as big pink tears. He shook and shook, holding himself tight, wishing someone else was. The plants, the tables and the gardening equipment rattled around him. The power that sat within him, poured out, raw and emotional. It wasn’t sharp, like The Reef, or purposeful, like his fight with Jasper. His power lamented, wrapped sorrow around every living thing, and forced his emotions through it. Flower Connie wilted, but he didn’t even notice; too busy drowning in guilt and a host of other negative emotions he was allowing himself to feel.

Steven didn’t notice anything. Not the ambivalent roar of Lion. Nor the sound of a portal opening up. The urgent steps. Or the greenhouse door opening with a hiss.

“Steven!”

Steven turned to the sound of his name – shocked by the owner and relieved all at once. “Connie?! What are you doing here?” He hiccuped between the tears.

Connie was there. The real Connie, not the plant version he’d been speaking to for months. Stood in the doorway in her pajamas, looking at him. Hair ruffled, cheeks rosy from running so hard and a dressing gown haphazardly slung over her shoulders. Lion was behind her, whining and nudging the base of her back, urging her forward. Connie rushed across the greenhouse, throwing herself at him, joining him in his pity party on the floor. She launched herself; landing in a mess of limbs, tangling her arms around his neck, burying her head in the crux of his shoulder, pressing the rest of her as close as to him as possible. They’d never concerned themselves with personal space in the entire time they’d known each other, she wasn’t going to start now. Not when he needed her.

“Why didn’t you call?”

_Connie. His Connie._ She was really here, warm and bright, He buried his nose into her dark hair, pink hands coiling into the thick strands, the cool scent of lavender and juniper filled his nostrils.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” he whispered feeling the sweet heat of her lips against his neck as she spoke.

“Steven,” she spoke sternly, but with an undeniable love, just like her mother. “You could never bother me.” Connie pulled herself back to look at him, on her knees between his thighs, and hands cupping his still round cheeks. Rich eyes drew him in, oh how he’d missed seeing her face. “You can talk to me about anything. Or cry. Sit in silence. You even have a temper tantrum if you need to. Just don’t keep me out. I’ve missed you, Jam bud.”

Above him, plant Connie’s petals rustled, springing back to life. Steven could feel the pink fading as real Connie took his hands in hers; they were so warm, and small – but he loved them. He loved her.

“I’m sorry Lion woke you up,” he apologised as he pried his back of the floor and sat up.

She squeezed his chunky hands and rubbed the back of them with the pads of her thumbs. “I’m not. I couldn’t sleep anyway. Something felt off – now I know what it was.”

He cringed, embarrassed by the outburst, and the way his Gem powers amplified every emotion he had. “I wish you hadn’t seen that…”

Connie scowled at him. “I’m glad I did – you don’t need to hide anything from me. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here because my best friend in the whole galaxy needs help.” 

Steven bit his lip. “But what about your parents, aren’t they going to be upset you’re gone?”

“I think Lion gave the game away. I have my phone, my Mom knows where I am.”

“But what about school?”

“It’s fine.”

“I don’t want to take you away from your work Connie, you’ve been working so hard!”

“Steven –”

“We need to get you home! There’s still a couple of hours until sunrise and I – ”

“ _Steven_!” Connie shouted and then took a breath, bringing their hands to her lips. “I’m fine. It’s the weekend, we’re going to look after you. You’ve spent so long looking after everyone else, you don’t know how to take care of yourself. C'mon, let’s get out of the greenhouse and go to bed.”

As she brought him to his feet, Steven realised how right Connie was. Without other people’s problems, Steven only had his own, and he couldn’t cope with that. His legacy, his history, his Mom, it was defining him in a way that sat wrong and made him feel awful. _Every moment you love yourself, that’s me, loving you._ Well he didn’t, right now hated himself, what he felt like he was becoming, what he felt like he was lacking. He had two worlds and he didn’t fit in either of them; everyone changed despite him. What was he going to do?

Connie led him by the hand slowly, taking their time as they took the wooden boardwalk back round the house. Seagulls had already begun to rise, cawing out into the cove as the inky night began to give way to a new dawn. As they entered Steven’s room, Lion was lying at the base of the bed pretending to be asleep. He gave Steven and Connie a delighted chirp as he bed down, pink tail waggling in demure happiness. Steven noted mentally that he’d drive out to the supermarket to get Lion some ice-cream later as a thank you. Connie sorted out the covers and led him by the hand into his side of the bed while she settled next to him on the other.

“Connie…” Steven trailed off, looking at her as she pulled the covers over them. She hummed in response, once again taking one of his hands in hers. “Thanks, for coming over. I’ve missed you too. “

She gave him a smile, and if he was feeling himself it would have left him weak at the knees. Now, broken and confused, it made him feel safe and loved. “I’ll be here whenever I can Steven, although next time, maybe give me a call first?” He nodded, yeah, that was fair. Lion huffed over the edge of the bed, he thought he’d been helpful. Wasn’t his fault Lion’s couldn’t use phones. “Sorry, Lion you were great,” she said with a coo. “And let’s not tell my Mom I stayed in your bed, again.”

“I should maybe get you your own bed,” he thought out loud. “Don’t want Dr.Maheswaren to get annoyed.”

Connie wriggled over, planted a kiss on his brow with the lightest of touches and laughed. “Steven, that’s sweet but I’m perfectly happy here, with you. Besides, what my Mom doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Now get some rest, we’ll talk more tomorrow.”

His head felt warm and fuzzy, it did every time she kissed him, he couldn’t help but crack a smile. He suddenly felt overcome with fatigue, between Connie next to him and Lion at his feet, Steven had felt more comfortable than he had in weeks. This might not fix his problems, but with Connie’s support, he could get the ball rolling, apologise to the gems – and his Dad for starters. He had a lot to apologise for.

“Connie,” Steven said with a yawn. “Thanks for being the jam to my biscuit.”

“Thanks for being the biscuit to my jam, Steven,” she said with a sleepy smile as he squeezed her hand.

Lion yawned, his mouth opening wide, tongue curling inside his maw.

“Goodnight Lion!” They both said in unison and drifted off into an easy sleep


End file.
